I'm baaack

I haven't blogged in the past 4 or 5 months. I remember when I told myself I would keep up with this, for the sake of memories. I didn't start something to not finish. Therefore, I'm back and ready to rant/vent about the happenings of my more-interesting-than I-thought teenage life.

A lot has happened since October. My grades plummeted and I ended the first semester of my sophomore year with an unweighted GPA of 3.0. Not exactly what I need to get into where I want to go, yet I never let it get to me. No break-downs,  no major stress attacks, nada. Although I didn't end where I wanted to be academically, at least I can say that I did not let it take a toll on my self-esteem like most of my peers did. This school year has taught me how flawed the school system in America is. I could go on for hours talking about what's wrong with America's education system like the 95 Thesis (AP World History, if you know what I mean) but in order to maintain your likely short attention span, I'll leave it alone. Now starting a new semester, I've learned how the classes work, and what I need to do to get to the place where I need to be (A's). Please pray for me and my grades, I'm going to need it these next three months.

My friendships have only been getting stronger and I love the feeling of knowing someone "has my back." We've stressed out together, cheered together, and cried together. I can't wait to see what other challenges we'll face until we reach May of 2016 to take our separate ways. Recently, I have hurt my foot during a track practice. I was jumping over obstacles for triple jump when I stepped on one and rolled my foot. It caused a tendon to tear and a chip of bone to be taken with it. I am out of track which started in the beginning of January for a whopping 5-6 weeks. In a sport that lasts 3 months, that is a huge loss. At this point I can only use this as motivation for coming back, preferably on top.

The injury has not only made walking, showering, and defending myself from my devious sister difficult, but I no longer see David on a daily basis. I see him occasionally in the hallway but not like at practice where I can somehow end up right next to him. Right when we were starting to get comfortable with each other then BAM, I'm injured. Lately, it has become more and more obvious he is into me. In fact, I know David likes me, but he wont make a move. I've heard his friends ask him if he has talked to "her" yet and other related occurrences but the most he will give me is subtle things. He may walk past me really close, make eye contact, or even nearly ram into me, but he won't say a word. For about a year, it's been a game of "who's going to make the first move." I've wanted to wait but with 3 months of school left, it's now or never. I've texted a teammate to ask some people from track if they want to go bowling with the intent of asking him myself if he wants to join us. Sure, that would mean I made the first "move", if that's what it takes, then so be it. I don't want to just let this fizzle out and wonder what it could've been. I must know what this is, no matter how shy he is.

Moving along, some tiny bumps in the road

 School is in full swing and I haven't had any free time until now, on this much needed long weekend. Sophomore year is much more difficult than freshman year. I suppose I set myself up for a challenge by taking two APs and the rest of my classes being honors. A's are not easily earned, in fact I believe I only have two A's out of my seven classes. One difference between last year and this year that I have noticed is my reaction to my grades. A year ago, if I got a 36 on a math test like I have recently, I would have stressed myself out about it. This year, when I received a 36 on a math test, I looked at what I did wrong and decided I will do better next time, which I did (94). There really is no need to let something such as grades stress you out that much, just put in more effort.

  Socially, I'm satisfied with my friends now but something is definitely missing. My friends are smart and strive for success but they are also quite introverted. At school, we have great conversations and we're basically sisters but when it comes to outside of school no one willing hang out. They'd rather stay home and watch television or read a book. This behavior among my friends has officially become annoying. Therefore I have come to the conclusion that I need more friends. I'm not going to ditch them but I'm not going to sit at home all day on this long weekend with this gorgeous weather just because they don't want to leave home.

  Things with David are slightly complicated. We've been at this whole "do you like me or not" situation for at least 8 months and I'm beginning to get restless. Since about the third week of school we've made eye contact daily. Whether I'm heading towards my locker, going to class, or heading to my bus, we somehow see each other. While it does make me extremely uncomfortable, I do force myself to look, he has to know I'm interested somehow. About a week ago, one of his friends pushed him into me, then his friend went on to tell me something about him that totally unrelated to what had just happened. I know when people push their friends into other people, it could mean they like you and I was confident that was the case due to our constant eye contact in addition to his friends saying his name when I walk by. The only thing that would suggest he doesn't like me is the fact the he doesn't try to talk to me, at all. I try to talk to him by asking about football or track but he doesn't even look at me when he responds. My first thought was: maybe he's shy but why? It makes no sense to me at all because I even had my friend push me towards him while we were at our lockers a few days ago and I know he noticed. I've decided to try and be more bold but to me it seems as though if a guy wants to talk to you, he will, especially with someone like David. How obvious must I be?

I am stable.

I am stable. When I say that I mean I am stable socially, in how I have a nice group of friends, academically, in how I am keeping up with my slightly challenging schedule, spiritually, in how I am getting closer to God by actually listening during church and regularly praying, and with my "situation" with David in how I am starting to think he still is into me. I'm so used to being on this emotional train ranging from being happy and very confident to sad and feeling useless, that I don't know what to really do. There isn't some large conflict that I'm having to deal with so this feeling of being carefree is so unfamiliar it feels wrong. According to my friends, I have a whole new type of confidence that they've never seen in me before. I can sense it in my actions. I'm no longer afraid to talk to the "popular" kids, I tend to stand up for myself more often, etc. I think I decided that I wanted to be more confident this school year...I heard confidence is beautiful. Since I've made this change, I have more fun, I'm less stressed, and I tend to be more friendly and open. Although I cannot say the same about how I am with David.

Ever since the last time I spoke to him things between us have almost been dead. Throughout the entire week after I talked to him, I avoided eye contact and basically pretended he wasn't there. He just makes me very nervous. Lately, I have come out of my shell a bit by making eye contact to the point where it's obvious something is there. David, being well-known and all, has a lot of close friends, well, I call them spies. I am positive that if he likes me, they know. They watch me to see if I look at him and when I'm around they give David these weird looks. His friends are what is making this entire situation really excited/nerve-racking. It's not like I can just stare at him as often as I want, they are literally watching me...it makes me uncomfortable. Still, I haven't said anything to him, and I feel like I am losing him. I don't mean to play games, I just get really nervous. Therefore, my friends and I have come up with a plan. She sees him in the hallway after class everyday so she agreed to tell him that she thinks I am into him. She is going to say more to make it seems like I don't know she's telling him. I truly think this is one of the only ways to get things moving again. I'm just afraid of his reaction and what will happen after that. Will everyone know? Will people come up to me and ask if it's true? I guess it's say to say I'm pumped for Tuesday, the day we go back to school...the moment of truth.

First Week of School

Stressful. That would describe my first week of school in one word. This year I am taking 2 APs: Biology and World History, and the rest of my classes are honors. I've had 5 quizzes and one test. I am now starting to wonder what I am going to do once the classes really start getting difficult and when track begins. On the bright side, I have reconnected with my friends and I am no longer a freshman...thank god. Sophomore year is definitely more demanding than freshmen year but I am ready to put the work in. I'm really challenging myself and I think the main thing that will get me through this year is my motivation to look back at high school and know that I did my very best, with no regrets when the time comes for applying to colleges. Applying for colleges is about two and a half years away so back to the present. Socially, I think I am where I was last year. I have a large group of friends and I am trying to also meet new people. I noticed that once you have a reliable, main group of friends, it's easy to not make an effort to branch out or invite new people in, I guess we just don't find it comfortable being around people we do not know very well. Academically, well, I haven't gotten many grades back so I can't say much about that.

 On the topic of David, we've gotten somewhere but not far, like a foot or two if I were to compare it to an actual distance. It's truly a coincidence that his locker, out of all 2,000 of them, ended up being by mine. I initially thought we weren't going to reconnect/talk until track but now that I see him everyday, I don't know anymore. The first day of school, he asked me a question but it was a question he could've asked ANYBODY else, it wasn't like I was the only one who could give him the answer. I just thought that was odd. Later in the week I didn't put much of an effort to talk to him, I truly did not know what to say and I was more nervous than I have EVER been around him. I didn't want him to think I wasn't interested either. Thursday, while I was at my locker, he asked my guy friend whose locker is beside mine about a new rule at school. (Again, a question he could've asked anyone) Usually when someone is talking, you look at them, but I didn't. I was literally staring at David. We made eye contact which I thought was so cool until I realized it was probably because I was staring at him instead of the person who was talking. Looking back, I am mortified but I'm glad I did what I did so he could be reminded I'm still into him. Yesterday, I asked him if there was a football game tomorrow and whether or not he was playing in it. He said yes but he was a bit dismissive, like how he was when I first began talking to him, I doubt he's nervous although it's possible. If there was a stage we are in, I would say it's the stage where you just give tiny hints that you're into that person, nothing huge, but enough to get me extremely nervous. I wonder if he gets nervous too...ugh boys, so confusing.

Summer is Coming to a Close

I am in student council at my school and the sophomores host a camp for the incoming freshman every year before school begins. We give them a tour of the school, they can ask questions, and they get a T-shirt out of it as well. Today we ran-through how everything is going to work. Before the students break up into groups a few students, including myself, will talk aout their favorite memory from freshman year. I had trouble finding something positive to say about one of the most unpleasant years of high school but I eventually found something. Now, I am beginning to get nervous about talking in front of them, 150 of them to be exact. I just want it to seem like I am confident and that I know what I'm doing...that shouldn't be too difficult. What I look forward to the most is the fact that most of them will kind of look up to me. Because I already went through one year of high school, it will seem like I know so much. At least, that's what I thought of the sophomores when I went to this camp.

Speaking of school, I am almost done with summer work. I am about halfway through with my last book in addition to a written assignment. I will admit, I am a tad bit last minute considering I go back to school in one week but I will finish. Orientation for this next school year is in three days, and I am getting really nervous. Sophomore year is not going to be easy with the schedule I gave myself, plus I will be participating in track come second semester. It will be a handful but I'm so thankful to have gotten advice from a fellow blogger about how to manage my time. Riley, I will be using your strategies and tips!

I'm also nervous about orientation because of who I might see...David. I am ashamed to say that not once, during the summer, did I forget about David. He may have gone to the back of my head but never just gone. I really don't like the fact that I let myself get attached when there wasn't...well, shouldn't have been anything to attach to. My head is filled with questions like: Will he notice my teeth got straighter? Did he totally move on?  Is he going to notice my new acne scars on my forehead? Will things just pick up where they left off? To answer that last question, I hope not. This is going to sound stupid but I'd rather wait until I get my braces off so I won't have anything holding me back. I should get them off in January so it's not that long away. I guess I want to feel like a full-package...or almost a full package before getting any further with him. I still believe he is way out of my league so not having braces may help to at least get me into the ball park. I will absolutely die if he ends up in one of my classes. I would always be distracted! I will probably be off in la la land daydreaming even if he isn't in any of my classes. It's unlikely that he will be because he doesn't take that many honors classes but it's still possible. I remember having to take a test in the same class as him a couple times and I could barely focus. Nevertheless, I will truly enjoy these last several days of freedom. It won't be long until I'm in jail again.

Making peace with Reality

While I was on the mission trip to Canada we had devotional times where we would worship through song and just talk about cool things from our day. During devotionals every night our group leader would give us quiet time just to think. One of the topics I was focusing on during this quiet time was my self-esteem. My self-esteem in terms of looks has always been like a roller coaster in how it can be high or low. It was sky-high when I was with David or Alex, but it was low when I looked in the mirror and saw all my imperfections. One thing I realized is that when you look at your own flaws, they are obvious while a lot of the time, others do not even notice them. I wish I had enough wisdom to understand the saying: "Our imperfections make us beautiful". I'm starting to understand but not quite. It still seems to me like the less imperfections you have the more beautiful you are. During the times where I am so focused on my imperfections I would create elaborate fantasies in my mind. I would create a picture of my myself in my mind and fix everything I didn't like from head to toe. I did things like lengthen my hair and change its texture or clear up my skin or makes my lips more pink. By the time I had changed everything I didn't even look like myself anymore.

A couple of days ago my mother was listening Andrew Womack (a preacher) in the car. He was talking about how if you want something, you cannot just want it, you have to believe it and see yourself in that respect. That is exactly what I would do. Before I would go to bed, I would pray to God and bring that modified version of myself in my mind. I pictured myself waking up and looking like that. It got to a point where I believed it so much I imagined my new life. For example, how the doctors would be amazed and how I might end up as a story on CNN. These detailed fantasies became the only thing I looked forward to. Then I came to the reality that I wasn't going to change. I heard of the saying : "The way you are now is exactly how God wanted it to be" (or something like that) but I didn't really understand. I began to wonder: Why would God give us imperfections if he knew they would cause so much pain? Either I answered this question or God did (I think God) but he said: They aren't imperfections. I was in bed, late at night, when I received that and I was immediately brought to tears. On the mission trip I also realized why God wouldn't change me. If he created us exactly how he wanted us to be, why would there need to be a change? To him, I am just the way he wanted me to be. Changing me would go against what he taught us, like he'd made a mistake. If I were to say that I do not imagine being that version of myself in my mind every once in awhile, I would be lying. One thing I do know is that no matter what kind of feedback I get from my peers or the media, someone thinks I am fine just the way I am.

The trip to Canada in detail and summary

Before I get into the pain in the butt summer work waiting for me in my room, I decided to write this post, while everything is still fresh in my mind. I returned last night from the Detroit airport. The purpose of the mission trip to Canada was to help people build relationships as well as building our own relationships. In my opinion, my mission team did fulfill that purpose. Quick background on the place I was working in: We worked mainly on one street and performed good deeds for the people living on the street like cleaning their houses, gardening, and holding a camp for the kids living on the street. The children were really craving love and attention and I'm very glad I could help bring them some of that while I was there. As for the difference between Canada and America. Well, it was quite evident when we crossed the bridge that we were not in the states anymore. There was French beside almost everything that was English. There were Canadian flags everywhere. While, most of the brands of food were in fact the same, they didn't exactly taste the same...I found that odd.

 Not only did I form relationships with the people on the street, I strengthened and formed relationships with my fellow peers in my youth group. I got closer with the girls and most of the guys. We got one of the guys to think it was Christmas in Canada! It all started with one person's idea and then we got everyone participating in the weeks activities to go along with it.

There were three guys (including the one I think is attractive and wanted to become friends with) I couldn't get close with, probably for the reason that they aren't very easy to talk to. The one I am slightly attracted to (I'll call him Alex) was being quite irritating...in such a subliminal way that he probably didn't expect me to notice. There's this other girl, (I'll call her Madison) on every mission trip, she and Alex have this thing. It happened last summer but she didn't have a boyfriend then, now she does. Something that also happens every trip is this big conflict/drama between them "popular girls" and the "popular boys" of which both Alex and Madison are a part of. It always shakes up the trip. This time, the beginning of the trip he was showing interest in me (which I find VERY surprising). I knew because I heard him and his buddy talking. Example of conversation: Alex: She's not into me. Buddy: Yes, she is, stare [at her]. So he did look but I didn't look back, I wasn't trying to be a dead giveaway. Later that day, I stared at him for awhile when he wasn't looking. I can't believe I forgot what guys do. In order to find out if you're looking at them,they have their friend, look at you to see if you're looking at that person. He really caught me. I was staring at him for about 10 seconds then I looked around and his buddy was obviously taking note of this. Then later in the week he got close to Madison again, and nothing ever escalated. Then the fight occurred and he was paying more attention to me again. Then they all forgave each other and he went back to her. So basically, I got played...hard. Overall, I learned something from both the mission trip and Alex, I guess that's all that is truly important.

                                                                 Water/sports day

 

"Christmas" in Canada

Having fun dancing

In Canada right now.

I cannot guarantee this will be a quality blog post considering that I have about ten minutes before someone notices what I am doing. I would rather keep this blog a secret from them. It's like an electronic diary. If someone I know found this blog this it would be equal to someone knowing all my passwords to all my accounts or all the bad things I've done. *shudders* I can't even imagine that...it's too scary. Anyways, my youth group has just come back from the neighborhood we are working in this week. The kids are so cooperative and enthusiastic about learning about God. One of my favorite things about this trip is listening to what people in Canada think of people in America. I can't wait to tell you all what they said...especially my readers from Canada. They are so full of energy and ask so much from me that I can't do anything but go with the flow. Soon, we will be heading to the grocery store to buy mostly junk food to eat in our hotel rooms. Lastly, before I leave, the guy I'm trying to be friends with is being so difficult right now. There's not enough time to explain why right now but I will explain...later.

It's beggining.

Finally, one of the busiest weeks of my summer has begun. Yesterday, I met up with a few girls from my youth group so we could brainstorm about the mission trip. We also bought some craft items to use with the children we will be working with. Our group leader is more on the wealthy side so it was fun driving around in one of those shiny, new Mercedes SUV's. Today, I got my braces tightened which isn't really something that people think is fun but this time I do. If I had to rate the pain from 1-10 (1 being no pain, 10 being the worst), I would rate it a 6.5 with pain relievers...8 without pain relievers. Oh well, no pain, no game. At least my gap should be gone by the time I go back to school. Also today, my Aunt, Uncle, and cousins are coming over for the first time. They will be here for my birthday as well! Speaking of my birthday, on the way home from the orthodontist, my Dad asked me what perfume I wanted (Selena Gomez), I'm sensing a possible gift...Tomorrow, of course is my birthday, enough said there. Friday, I will take the test to get my permit. According to my friends, I should be prepared. I even typed up notes to study. I just don't want to fail, or else my brother will make fun of me. Finally, the second most exciting day of the week, SATURDAY. We are supposed to meet at the church by 11:00 am but I will probably arrive at 10:15-30 am. Never thought I would say this but I cannot wait to see how I am going to serve God.

The Good and the Bad

I'm currently in this mood that I can't seem to describe, most likely for the reason that I am not familiar with it...maybe it's loneliness?  I just feel a bit off. Most of my friends are out of town for vacation, I guess they're too busy to respond to text messages. It's times like these where I try to evaluate what has happened to me recently and look forward to something. For convenience I'll just list what things that have occurred or will occur and put them in the category 'Good' or 'Bad'. I wish I was a more upbeat and optimistic person but I like to get the 'Bad' category over with...like ripping off a band aid. Hmm. I've changed my mind. Truthfully, the things I will list in the 'Bad' category, aren't really that bad compared to what others have gone through. Let's call it the 'Not so good' category.

The Bad The not so good
- The fourth of July did not go as planned. Where I live, it was raining most of the time. Because of the rainy weather, my father assumed I didn't matter when we left my Grandmother's house (which is located in the neighboring state of my home state) to go home, either way there wouldn't be any fireworks due to the rainy weather. Wrong. The rain stopped and the fireworks went as planned...and I was in the car on a four hour drive.  Let's not forget this is my favorite holiday.

- My friends are gone. Like I said, most of them are on vacation, having a great time. I should really consider making more friends so I don't feel lonely when a few are gone. What bothers me is the fact I don't really have anyone to talk to besides my family. Is this a sign? Should I talk to my family? Nah.

- My birthday is next week. Actually, this is a good thing, but there are some not so good things about my upcoming birthday. For example, I don't think it will be very exciting. I remember last year was pretty lack luster and I just took it in stride and hoped next year would be better but I have this feeling it will be the same, if not worse. My parents are always complaining about the small amount of money in their accounts so I don't really expect gifts. All I really expect is for my family to be extra nice and loving. When you think about it, that's all that really matters.

The Good
- Next week I go to Canada! I am so excited to go on a mission trip to Canada with my youth group. I remember last year's trip to Arizona was great. The plane ride and even the four-hour car ride was fun. I also hope to get closer with the people in my grade, specifically the guy I kind of like. Not to try and pursue him but just to become friends, we don't really talk right now...I don't know why.

- My birthday is next week! I finally turn fifteen. (I'm one of the younger ones in my grade.) Turning fifteen means I get to test to get my permit! I plan on taking the test the day of my birthday, I don't want to delay because I'm already behind. Also, birthdays in general are just fun, no matter how many gifts I get...if any.

- I got to see my new nephew when I visited my grandmother. He is five months as of July 11th. He is very active and happy. I just hope my sister, of whom is twenty-three, will take care of him. She doesn't even put baby lotion on him because he has eczema in some areas! What is the logic in that?! Plus, he's not on a schedule, so he goes to bed whenever. It worries me sometimes, but then I remind myself that God is watching her.

Darkness to Light

There was once a time period where I was at an all-time low, in terms of self-esteem and my outlook on life. I think it took place from around August 2012- early January 2013. It all began with one trigger among other factors. In August, I was just sitting at home on Facebook (Facebook was actually still popular then) and I got a message from a guy (not the same race as myself) I hadn't talked to in quite awhile. Therefore, I was very careful with what I said by just keeping things casual. Then we exchanged numbers...I really should have just left it at a conversation over Facebook but I hadn't had much experience with guys before so I was willing to see what would happen. We texted and I don't remember how we got to this topic but we started talking about sending pictures, otherwise known as sexting. Again, being that I had basically no experience at all with guys, I thought this was a form of flirting. I don't know what exactly went through my head or what caused me to do so (probably him persuading me) but I did it. Which is odd because back then, I seriously had the body of an 8-year old boy...I kind of still do now. I remember not feeling much guilt afterwards considering he sent me one too. Then, as I went to bed that night I had trouble falling asleep. It had finally hit me what I had done. I'm supposed to be a Christian, I remember thinking I would NEVER do something like that. I remember my mom reminding me "my body is my temple, so treat it with respect." Later the next day, I went online to see what guys TRULY thought of girls who send them pictures and what almost every single person said is that they don't have respect for them and did it just to get "off". It made sense, right after he sent his, he texted me saying thanks and said he had to go...and we never spoke again. I realized I had been used. I let my curiosity get the best of me and lost respect for myself. To be honest, by that point, I felt like s***.

About one month later, I became engrossed in my thoughts. As Lana Del Rey said, "I got a war in my mind.", and I did too. I was noticing that guys had never really cared about me. I tried to find reasons why in my appearance. I thought: Since it don't have b***s they won't like me. My face isn't perfectly clear so I'm probably ugly to them. I can't afford braces so that's not good either. I envied the girls who got all the attention and wondered why God left girls like me alone. I didn't know he could be saving us for something better. During those months my entire music preferences changed. I went from loving mainstream pop to listening to sad songs by artists like Sia, some Lana Del Rey, etc. I kept bringing myself down by feeling sorry for myself. I would cry before going to sleep, in the shower, not over that mistake but just my own feeling of not being valuable. I almost resorted to cutting. I vividly remember holding the razor on the top of my forearm...wanting to feel pain because I thought I deserved it. Then I thought: I'm smarter than this, what would cutting change? Then things began to turn around.

Even before track began in mid January, I had a crush on David. It was one of those crushes that you wouldn't act on for some reason, mine being that I was pretty sure he was way out of my league. When I saw that a guy like him could like a girl like me. Well, I started to look at myself with a lot more self-worth. After all, my skin had cleared up and I got braces, although I'm still on the smaller side when it comes to b***s. I didn't care anymore about my size "upstairs" once I learned a guy could like me the way I am. I guess from an older person's point of view, having high self-esteem because of a boy isn't good. He brought out of that hole and now I haven't seen him in awhile and I am still in an overall better mood. I'm so thankful for that.

Waiting for life to notice how well things are going for me currently, just to mess it up again

Sunday at church I was a "social butterfly", if I say so myself. I talked with my friend about her guy problems, met a few different people by gathering up the courage to introduce myself which I am actually kind of proud of, and even became part of those exclusive conversation circles that I always complained about. Turns out, if you can hold a conversation and not just watch and listen, you can be in a conversation circle...lesson learned. That thing with the guy a year older than me has not gone away. He's becoming more and more obvious, bolder and bolder. I am not leading him on! I don't make eye contact or talk to him. The most awkward situation for me when it comes to guys is him liking you and you not liking him back or vice versa. Meanwhile, the other guy, in my grade, doesn't seem to give a crap about me. Of course it could be that we don't talk and that I've only said a few words to him for the past two years but still, anyone could make a small effort, although that's a bit hypocritical since I'm not making an effort. Monday was...let's just say, uneventful. Today, I chilled with my mom got a free sub from subway and free ice cream (although it was meant for the workers at the building we were at). I just received my first book in the mail for summer reading and I don't feel like doing it, yet I don't have an excuse anymore. I haven't been hanging out with any of my friends lately, nor running at the park, I makes my life feel boring again. I cannot let my life get to where it used to be. I'm not saying I have to be doing something at all times, I just need to keep myself busy to avoid falling back into that dark hole during those miserable six months. I haven't really told anyone about that, have I? Anyone interested in finding out? 

A Letter to David

Dear David,
                    Can you get out of my head? Stop filling my mind with questions like: Where are you? What have you been up to? Have you thought of me? Because I'm pretty sure the answer to that last question is NO. It's been more than a month since I last saw you. Why are you still on my mind?! I'm tired of it. This is unfair,  if you can just forget about me and go be with your buddies then I should be able to do so as well. When I say I can't stop thinking about you, I don't mean it in the- 'I can't stop thinking about you but I like it' kind of way...I mean it in the- 'Get out of my head because I don't like it' type of way. I've stopped listening to love songs, I make sure I don't social media stalk you (despite the urge), and I try to like other guys. I don't understand, feelings probably just won't disappear over the summer but they could at least go into hibernation and tone down a little (perhaps A LOT). As frustrated as I am about this situation, I must say thank you. In January, when this all began, you brought me out dark, insecure, no self-confidence hole that I was digging myself deeper and deeper into, and I'm happy for that. But, it is June and school starts in August so I would greatly appreciate it if you could save me from being bombarded with thoughts about you until then...if it were in your control.

                                                                      Sincerely (Not love),
                                                                                                        Bailey

Farmers Market and a bit more

Today I did what is now becoming the usual and helped at the summer camp. *Inserts complaint about having to go* It is entertaining listening to the teachers vent to each other about what they don't like about the summer camp, as if I'm not 10 feet away from them, as if I'm not the directors daughter. Which is eavesdropping, I know, but I then report it to my mother to see what she has to think, so I guess it's productive. I'm like a spy for my mom. She asks me what the teachers are doing like whether they are being mean, actually teaching, or creating activities. After volunteering, we (my mother, sister, myself, her co-worker and her children) visited the local farmers market where they basically have fresh fruits and vegetables along with A LOT of samples. When I walked in I got "checked out"- that up and down look from usually a random guy. Not just once, twice. First, when I got their, second when I was leaving. I don't know, its just something about being checked out by a guy that boosts a girls' self esteem. He must have thought I was older than I actually am because based on random people I encounter, I look seventeen or eighteen. It definitely made me feel a little special, I don't know if that's a good thing, probably not.

Getting comfortable and active

Since the spring track and field season has ended, I haven't done any form of exercise, and it shows. The usual six-pack has disappeared, as well as the semi-toned legs, and everything else that goes away when one discontinues daily exercise. Make no mistake, I do not see it as a priority to have the "summer bod" every teenage girl seems to be obsessed with, I would just like to be confident. I finally took action and went for a mile run at my local park. One mile isn't exactly a lot but it sure felt like it was. I felt really good about it afterwards, therefore, I will attempt to do it again today, wish me luck. Something else that has really spiced up my life is church. Honestly, I used to absolutely hate church. It felt like I was going to church and doing nothing but making an attempt to fit into those little social circles everyone makes during conversations. That circle where if there's only one more spot for someone to fit in, only one person is coming in and there's no making more room...extremely exclusive. I decided to make more of an effort to be better friends with these people. I attended more church outings and participated in activities. I actually let them see the outgoing side of me. So far, it is working wonderfully. I finally feel like I belong. Yesterday, we had a meeting about the mission trip to Canada next month. That meeting just got me even more excited about getting closer to them like I did last summer in Arizona. Lastly, the love life has died and then is still living. I haven't really lost feelings for the guy on my track team but it has definitely toned down. Real feelings don't just go away, right? So that is the part that kind of died, more like went into hibernation. (It will probably wake again when school starts in August) The part that is still living can be found at my church (I keep mentioning church, yet I'm not a very religious person, it just became fun all of a sudden). There's this guy who I'm not really interested in but I'm getting the sense he's a bit interested in me. He's a year older so that's awkward. I'm not the type of person who is fond of age differences. I get the feeling he likes me because well, I don't think he's staring at me for fun. It's weird because the same thing happened with another guy at church who's a year younger than me. Yet the guy who is actually in my grade doesn't seem to be showing any interest in me...for now anyways. What do you think I should do with the guy I'm not really interested in?

Today was a good day *Ice Cube's voice*

Today was a good day. (I'm currently listening to the song Today was a Good Day by Ice Cube.) Although I participated in more free babysitting from 9:00am-3:30pm, it seemed like time well spent, maybe karma will be in my favor for a change. I later ate some pizza and decided to walk it off with my friend at a local park. We caught up with each other and walked for two miles. I'm starting to fear I have a very mild eating disorder. I tend to try and eat healthy quite often and I just thought: Maybe I try to eat healthy too much...I can still eat a lot and enjoy junk food but I actually felt the need to walk off the fat from the pizza I had earlier. Is that weird? I will keep a close eye on this. Also, lately I've been noticing attractive guys, they just stand out to me. Blame it on the hormones. Although, I kind of like noticing them, who doesn't like some eye candy? "Plus nobody I know got killed in South Central L.A., Today was a good day."-Ice Cube

I am in serious need of a job

I was just informed that Publix does not have any positions available at their store...seriously? The one place in my area that hires fourteen year-olds is not hiring? How am I supposed to get $2,000.00, babysitting? No, just no. Well, my dreams of a new wardrobe seem more and more out of reach everyday. My last hope...winning the HGTV Smart Home 2013 [which comes with $100,000.00 from Quicken Loans].  That way, I can get the clothing I want without even having to work. Oh no, I sound like the rich kids that go to private school from my church. The odds are not in my favor, I had a better chance of just getting a job. Because I did not get this job, my mother feels I can help out with a summer camp at the preschool she works at, offering $10.00 per day. Oh wow, $10.00 for 6hrs+ of dealing with multiple one year-olds and two year-olds? What a great deal! That's basically volunteering. Hello sophomore year, meet my clothes from 8th grade. *I understand I sound like a really materialistic person*

I just found this funny.

This shall be my new motto.

Having Fun Again

Yesterday, for the first time, I hung out with some friends from church. Usually, I don't really hang out with them because they are so cliquey and all go to private school but yesterday I actually had fun. We went to this facility where you jump on trampolines and then all the girls went and had a sleepover. The sleepover was great we played charades, attempted to make a music video, and ate Chinese takeout. I really got to know them better and I'm very happy I went. Today, I am going to meet my friend at a local park to go walking. I really should be going running but walking is beneficial as well. The summer work I have for the next school year is really looming over my head, I HATE this feeling. I should be like Nike and just do it.

What the future holds? I'll just have to find out.

So far I haven't really put my summer to good use. I went to the movies, hung out with some friends, gotten back into reading, but nothing actually productive. I should probably begin the summer work I have but I'll procrastinate for one more day. It's times like these where I just try to find something to look forward to. For example, the upcoming mission trip to Canada with my youth group from church is exciting, or getting my permit in July, or even better, the Fourth of July. It's my absolute favorite holiday. I'm not exactly a very patriotic person, I just like the activities like barbeques and fireworks. I suppose I'm looking forward to it even more because of what I plan to do. I plan on getting a bunch of my friends together and having a potluck at this local area that does fireworks every year. I guess the main thing I'm looking forward to is seeing one particular person that may be there, David. What would happen between us? Probably nothing but you never know. There's no guarantee he'll be there anyways but it is likely. I just need to make sure I don't get my hopes up, although I think it is too late for that.