Darkness to Light

There was once a time period where I was at an all-time low, in terms of self-esteem and my outlook on life. I think it took place from around August 2012- early January 2013. It all began with one trigger among other factors. In August, I was just sitting at home on Facebook (Facebook was actually still popular then) and I got a message from a guy (not the same race as myself) I hadn't talked to in quite awhile. Therefore, I was very careful with what I said by just keeping things casual. Then we exchanged numbers...I really should have just left it at a conversation over Facebook but I hadn't had much experience with guys before so I was willing to see what would happen. We texted and I don't remember how we got to this topic but we started talking about sending pictures, otherwise known as sexting. Again, being that I had basically no experience at all with guys, I thought this was a form of flirting. I don't know what exactly went through my head or what caused me to do so (probably him persuading me) but I did it. Which is odd because back then, I seriously had the body of an 8-year old boy...I kind of still do now. I remember not feeling much guilt afterwards considering he sent me one too. Then, as I went to bed that night I had trouble falling asleep. It had finally hit me what I had done. I'm supposed to be a Christian, I remember thinking I would NEVER do something like that. I remember my mom reminding me "my body is my temple, so treat it with respect." Later the next day, I went online to see what guys TRULY thought of girls who send them pictures and what almost every single person said is that they don't have respect for them and did it just to get "off". It made sense, right after he sent his, he texted me saying thanks and said he had to go...and we never spoke again. I realized I had been used. I let my curiosity get the best of me and lost respect for myself. To be honest, by that point, I felt like s***.

About one month later, I became engrossed in my thoughts. As Lana Del Rey said, "I got a war in my mind.", and I did too. I was noticing that guys had never really cared about me. I tried to find reasons why in my appearance. I thought: Since it don't have b***s they won't like me. My face isn't perfectly clear so I'm probably ugly to them. I can't afford braces so that's not good either. I envied the girls who got all the attention and wondered why God left girls like me alone. I didn't know he could be saving us for something better. During those months my entire music preferences changed. I went from loving mainstream pop to listening to sad songs by artists like Sia, some Lana Del Rey, etc. I kept bringing myself down by feeling sorry for myself. I would cry before going to sleep, in the shower, not over that mistake but just my own feeling of not being valuable. I almost resorted to cutting. I vividly remember holding the razor on the top of my forearm...wanting to feel pain because I thought I deserved it. Then I thought: I'm smarter than this, what would cutting change? Then things began to turn around.

Even before track began in mid January, I had a crush on David. It was one of those crushes that you wouldn't act on for some reason, mine being that I was pretty sure he was way out of my league. When I saw that a guy like him could like a girl like me. Well, I started to look at myself with a lot more self-worth. After all, my skin had cleared up and I got braces, although I'm still on the smaller side when it comes to b***s. I didn't care anymore about my size "upstairs" once I learned a guy could like me the way I am. I guess from an older person's point of view, having high self-esteem because of a boy isn't good. He brought out of that hole and now I haven't seen him in awhile and I am still in an overall better mood. I'm so thankful for that.