I am stable. When I say that I mean I am stable socially, in how I have a nice group of friends, academically, in how I am keeping up with my slightly challenging schedule, spiritually, in how I am getting closer to God by actually listening during church and regularly praying, and with my "situation" with David in how I am starting to think he still is into me. I'm so used to being on this emotional train ranging from being happy and very confident to sad and feeling useless, that I don't know what to really do. There isn't some large conflict that I'm having to deal with so this feeling of being carefree is so unfamiliar it feels wrong. According to my friends, I have a whole new type of confidence that they've never seen in me before. I can sense it in my actions. I'm no longer afraid to talk to the "popular" kids, I tend to stand up for myself more often, etc. I think I decided that I wanted to be more confident this school year...I heard confidence is beautiful. Since I've made this change, I have more fun, I'm less stressed, and I tend to be more friendly and open. Although I cannot say the same about how I am with David.
Ever since the last time I spoke to him things between us have almost been dead. Throughout the entire week after I talked to him, I avoided eye contact and basically pretended he wasn't there. He just makes me very nervous. Lately, I have come out of my shell a bit by making eye contact to the point where it's obvious something is there. David, being well-known and all, has a lot of close friends, well, I call them spies. I am positive that if he likes me, they know. They watch me to see if I look at him and when I'm around they give David these weird looks. His friends are what is making this entire situation really excited/nerve-racking. It's not like I can just stare at him as often as I want, they are literally watching me...it makes me uncomfortable. Still, I haven't said anything to him, and I feel like I am losing him. I don't mean to play games, I just get really nervous. Therefore, my friends and I have come up with a plan. She sees him in the hallway after class everyday so she agreed to tell him that she thinks I am into him. She is going to say more to make it seems like I don't know she's telling him. I truly think this is one of the only ways to get things moving again. I'm just afraid of his reaction and what will happen after that. Will everyone know? Will people come up to me and ask if it's true? I guess it's say to say I'm pumped for Tuesday, the day we go back to school...the moment of truth.
Friday, August 30, 2013
Saturday, August 17, 2013
First Week of School
Stressful. That would describe my first week of school in one word. This year I am taking 2 APs: Biology and World History, and the rest of my classes are honors. I've had 5 quizzes and one test. I am now starting to wonder what I am going to do once the classes really start getting difficult and when track begins. On the bright side, I have reconnected with my friends and I am no longer a freshman...thank god. Sophomore year is definitely more demanding than freshmen year but I am ready to put the work in. I'm really challenging myself and I think the main thing that will get me through this year is my motivation to look back at high school and know that I did my very best, with no regrets when the time comes for applying to colleges. Applying for colleges is about two and a half years away so back to the present. Socially, I think I am where I was last year. I have a large group of friends and I am trying to also meet new people. I noticed that once you have a reliable, main group of friends, it's easy to not make an effort to branch out or invite new people in, I guess we just don't find it comfortable being around people we do not know very well. Academically, well, I haven't gotten many grades back so I can't say much about that.
On the topic of David, we've gotten somewhere but not far, like a foot or two if I were to compare it to an actual distance. It's truly a coincidence that his locker, out of all 2,000 of them, ended up being by mine. I initially thought we weren't going to reconnect/talk until track but now that I see him everyday, I don't know anymore. The first day of school, he asked me a question but it was a question he could've asked ANYBODY else, it wasn't like I was the only one who could give him the answer. I just thought that was odd. Later in the week I didn't put much of an effort to talk to him, I truly did not know what to say and I was more nervous than I have EVER been around him. I didn't want him to think I wasn't interested either. Thursday, while I was at my locker, he asked my guy friend whose locker is beside mine about a new rule at school. (Again, a question he could've asked anyone) Usually when someone is talking, you look at them, but I didn't. I was literally staring at David. We made eye contact which I thought was so cool until I realized it was probably because I was staring at him instead of the person who was talking. Looking back, I am mortified but I'm glad I did what I did so he could be reminded I'm still into him. Yesterday, I asked him if there was a football game tomorrow and whether or not he was playing in it. He said yes but he was a bit dismissive, like how he was when I first began talking to him, I doubt he's nervous although it's possible. If there was a stage we are in, I would say it's the stage where you just give tiny hints that you're into that person, nothing huge, but enough to get me extremely nervous. I wonder if he gets nervous too...ugh boys, so confusing.
On the topic of David, we've gotten somewhere but not far, like a foot or two if I were to compare it to an actual distance. It's truly a coincidence that his locker, out of all 2,000 of them, ended up being by mine. I initially thought we weren't going to reconnect/talk until track but now that I see him everyday, I don't know anymore. The first day of school, he asked me a question but it was a question he could've asked ANYBODY else, it wasn't like I was the only one who could give him the answer. I just thought that was odd. Later in the week I didn't put much of an effort to talk to him, I truly did not know what to say and I was more nervous than I have EVER been around him. I didn't want him to think I wasn't interested either. Thursday, while I was at my locker, he asked my guy friend whose locker is beside mine about a new rule at school. (Again, a question he could've asked anyone) Usually when someone is talking, you look at them, but I didn't. I was literally staring at David. We made eye contact which I thought was so cool until I realized it was probably because I was staring at him instead of the person who was talking. Looking back, I am mortified but I'm glad I did what I did so he could be reminded I'm still into him. Yesterday, I asked him if there was a football game tomorrow and whether or not he was playing in it. He said yes but he was a bit dismissive, like how he was when I first began talking to him, I doubt he's nervous although it's possible. If there was a stage we are in, I would say it's the stage where you just give tiny hints that you're into that person, nothing huge, but enough to get me extremely nervous. I wonder if he gets nervous too...ugh boys, so confusing.
Monday, August 5, 2013
Summer is Coming to a Close
I am in student council at my school and the sophomores host a camp for the incoming freshman every year before school begins. We give them a tour of the school, they can ask questions, and they get a T-shirt out of it as well. Today we ran-through how everything is going to work. Before the students break up into groups a few students, including myself, will talk aout their favorite memory from freshman year. I had trouble finding something positive to say about one of the most unpleasant years of high school but I eventually found something. Now, I am beginning to get nervous about talking in front of them, 150 of them to be exact. I just want it to seem like I am confident and that I know what I'm doing...that shouldn't be too difficult. What I look forward to the most is the fact that most of them will kind of look up to me. Because I already went through one year of high school, it will seem like I know so much. At least, that's what I thought of the sophomores when I went to this camp.
Speaking of school, I am almost done with summer work. I am about halfway through with my last book in addition to a written assignment. I will admit, I am a tad bit last minute considering I go back to school in one week but I will finish. Orientation for this next school year is in three days, and I am getting really nervous. Sophomore year is not going to be easy with the schedule I gave myself, plus I will be participating in track come second semester. It will be a handful but I'm so thankful to have gotten advice from a fellow blogger about how to manage my time. Riley, I will be using your strategies and tips!
I'm also nervous about orientation because of who I might see...David. I am ashamed to say that not once, during the summer, did I forget about David. He may have gone to the back of my head but never just gone. I really don't like the fact that I let myself get attached when there wasn't...well, shouldn't have been anything to attach to. My head is filled with questions like: Will he notice my teeth got straighter? Did he totally move on? Is he going to notice my new acne scars on my forehead? Will things just pick up where they left off? To answer that last question, I hope not. This is going to sound stupid but I'd rather wait until I get my braces off so I won't have anything holding me back. I should get them off in January so it's not that long away. I guess I want to feel like a full-package...or almost a full package before getting any further with him. I still believe he is way out of my league so not having braces may help to at least get me into the ball park. I will absolutely die if he ends up in one of my classes. I would always be distracted! I will probably be off in la la land daydreaming even if he isn't in any of my classes. It's unlikely that he will be because he doesn't take that many honors classes but it's still possible. I remember having to take a test in the same class as him a couple times and I could barely focus. Nevertheless, I will truly enjoy these last several days of freedom. It won't be long until I'm in jail again.
Speaking of school, I am almost done with summer work. I am about halfway through with my last book in addition to a written assignment. I will admit, I am a tad bit last minute considering I go back to school in one week but I will finish. Orientation for this next school year is in three days, and I am getting really nervous. Sophomore year is not going to be easy with the schedule I gave myself, plus I will be participating in track come second semester. It will be a handful but I'm so thankful to have gotten advice from a fellow blogger about how to manage my time. Riley, I will be using your strategies and tips!
I'm also nervous about orientation because of who I might see...David. I am ashamed to say that not once, during the summer, did I forget about David. He may have gone to the back of my head but never just gone. I really don't like the fact that I let myself get attached when there wasn't...well, shouldn't have been anything to attach to. My head is filled with questions like: Will he notice my teeth got straighter? Did he totally move on? Is he going to notice my new acne scars on my forehead? Will things just pick up where they left off? To answer that last question, I hope not. This is going to sound stupid but I'd rather wait until I get my braces off so I won't have anything holding me back. I should get them off in January so it's not that long away. I guess I want to feel like a full-package...or almost a full package before getting any further with him. I still believe he is way out of my league so not having braces may help to at least get me into the ball park. I will absolutely die if he ends up in one of my classes. I would always be distracted! I will probably be off in la la land daydreaming even if he isn't in any of my classes. It's unlikely that he will be because he doesn't take that many honors classes but it's still possible. I remember having to take a test in the same class as him a couple times and I could barely focus. Nevertheless, I will truly enjoy these last several days of freedom. It won't be long until I'm in jail again.
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