Darkness to Light

There was once a time period where I was at an all-time low, in terms of self-esteem and my outlook on life. I think it took place from around August 2012- early January 2013. It all began with one trigger among other factors. In August, I was just sitting at home on Facebook (Facebook was actually still popular then) and I got a message from a guy (not the same race as myself) I hadn't talked to in quite awhile. Therefore, I was very careful with what I said by just keeping things casual. Then we exchanged numbers...I really should have just left it at a conversation over Facebook but I hadn't had much experience with guys before so I was willing to see what would happen. We texted and I don't remember how we got to this topic but we started talking about sending pictures, otherwise known as sexting. Again, being that I had basically no experience at all with guys, I thought this was a form of flirting. I don't know what exactly went through my head or what caused me to do so (probably him persuading me) but I did it. Which is odd because back then, I seriously had the body of an 8-year old boy...I kind of still do now. I remember not feeling much guilt afterwards considering he sent me one too. Then, as I went to bed that night I had trouble falling asleep. It had finally hit me what I had done. I'm supposed to be a Christian, I remember thinking I would NEVER do something like that. I remember my mom reminding me "my body is my temple, so treat it with respect." Later the next day, I went online to see what guys TRULY thought of girls who send them pictures and what almost every single person said is that they don't have respect for them and did it just to get "off". It made sense, right after he sent his, he texted me saying thanks and said he had to go...and we never spoke again. I realized I had been used. I let my curiosity get the best of me and lost respect for myself. To be honest, by that point, I felt like s***.

About one month later, I became engrossed in my thoughts. As Lana Del Rey said, "I got a war in my mind.", and I did too. I was noticing that guys had never really cared about me. I tried to find reasons why in my appearance. I thought: Since it don't have b***s they won't like me. My face isn't perfectly clear so I'm probably ugly to them. I can't afford braces so that's not good either. I envied the girls who got all the attention and wondered why God left girls like me alone. I didn't know he could be saving us for something better. During those months my entire music preferences changed. I went from loving mainstream pop to listening to sad songs by artists like Sia, some Lana Del Rey, etc. I kept bringing myself down by feeling sorry for myself. I would cry before going to sleep, in the shower, not over that mistake but just my own feeling of not being valuable. I almost resorted to cutting. I vividly remember holding the razor on the top of my forearm...wanting to feel pain because I thought I deserved it. Then I thought: I'm smarter than this, what would cutting change? Then things began to turn around.

Even before track began in mid January, I had a crush on David. It was one of those crushes that you wouldn't act on for some reason, mine being that I was pretty sure he was way out of my league. When I saw that a guy like him could like a girl like me. Well, I started to look at myself with a lot more self-worth. After all, my skin had cleared up and I got braces, although I'm still on the smaller side when it comes to b***s. I didn't care anymore about my size "upstairs" once I learned a guy could like me the way I am. I guess from an older person's point of view, having high self-esteem because of a boy isn't good. He brought out of that hole and now I haven't seen him in awhile and I am still in an overall better mood. I'm so thankful for that.

Waiting for life to notice how well things are going for me currently, just to mess it up again

Sunday at church I was a "social butterfly", if I say so myself. I talked with my friend about her guy problems, met a few different people by gathering up the courage to introduce myself which I am actually kind of proud of, and even became part of those exclusive conversation circles that I always complained about. Turns out, if you can hold a conversation and not just watch and listen, you can be in a conversation circle...lesson learned. That thing with the guy a year older than me has not gone away. He's becoming more and more obvious, bolder and bolder. I am not leading him on! I don't make eye contact or talk to him. The most awkward situation for me when it comes to guys is him liking you and you not liking him back or vice versa. Meanwhile, the other guy, in my grade, doesn't seem to give a crap about me. Of course it could be that we don't talk and that I've only said a few words to him for the past two years but still, anyone could make a small effort, although that's a bit hypocritical since I'm not making an effort. Monday was...let's just say, uneventful. Today, I chilled with my mom got a free sub from subway and free ice cream (although it was meant for the workers at the building we were at). I just received my first book in the mail for summer reading and I don't feel like doing it, yet I don't have an excuse anymore. I haven't been hanging out with any of my friends lately, nor running at the park, I makes my life feel boring again. I cannot let my life get to where it used to be. I'm not saying I have to be doing something at all times, I just need to keep myself busy to avoid falling back into that dark hole during those miserable six months. I haven't really told anyone about that, have I? Anyone interested in finding out? 

A Letter to David

Dear David,
                    Can you get out of my head? Stop filling my mind with questions like: Where are you? What have you been up to? Have you thought of me? Because I'm pretty sure the answer to that last question is NO. It's been more than a month since I last saw you. Why are you still on my mind?! I'm tired of it. This is unfair,  if you can just forget about me and go be with your buddies then I should be able to do so as well. When I say I can't stop thinking about you, I don't mean it in the- 'I can't stop thinking about you but I like it' kind of way...I mean it in the- 'Get out of my head because I don't like it' type of way. I've stopped listening to love songs, I make sure I don't social media stalk you (despite the urge), and I try to like other guys. I don't understand, feelings probably just won't disappear over the summer but they could at least go into hibernation and tone down a little (perhaps A LOT). As frustrated as I am about this situation, I must say thank you. In January, when this all began, you brought me out dark, insecure, no self-confidence hole that I was digging myself deeper and deeper into, and I'm happy for that. But, it is June and school starts in August so I would greatly appreciate it if you could save me from being bombarded with thoughts about you until then...if it were in your control.

                                                                      Sincerely (Not love),
                                                                                                        Bailey

Farmers Market and a bit more

Today I did what is now becoming the usual and helped at the summer camp. *Inserts complaint about having to go* It is entertaining listening to the teachers vent to each other about what they don't like about the summer camp, as if I'm not 10 feet away from them, as if I'm not the directors daughter. Which is eavesdropping, I know, but I then report it to my mother to see what she has to think, so I guess it's productive. I'm like a spy for my mom. She asks me what the teachers are doing like whether they are being mean, actually teaching, or creating activities. After volunteering, we (my mother, sister, myself, her co-worker and her children) visited the local farmers market where they basically have fresh fruits and vegetables along with A LOT of samples. When I walked in I got "checked out"- that up and down look from usually a random guy. Not just once, twice. First, when I got their, second when I was leaving. I don't know, its just something about being checked out by a guy that boosts a girls' self esteem. He must have thought I was older than I actually am because based on random people I encounter, I look seventeen or eighteen. It definitely made me feel a little special, I don't know if that's a good thing, probably not.

Getting comfortable and active

Since the spring track and field season has ended, I haven't done any form of exercise, and it shows. The usual six-pack has disappeared, as well as the semi-toned legs, and everything else that goes away when one discontinues daily exercise. Make no mistake, I do not see it as a priority to have the "summer bod" every teenage girl seems to be obsessed with, I would just like to be confident. I finally took action and went for a mile run at my local park. One mile isn't exactly a lot but it sure felt like it was. I felt really good about it afterwards, therefore, I will attempt to do it again today, wish me luck. Something else that has really spiced up my life is church. Honestly, I used to absolutely hate church. It felt like I was going to church and doing nothing but making an attempt to fit into those little social circles everyone makes during conversations. That circle where if there's only one more spot for someone to fit in, only one person is coming in and there's no making more room...extremely exclusive. I decided to make more of an effort to be better friends with these people. I attended more church outings and participated in activities. I actually let them see the outgoing side of me. So far, it is working wonderfully. I finally feel like I belong. Yesterday, we had a meeting about the mission trip to Canada next month. That meeting just got me even more excited about getting closer to them like I did last summer in Arizona. Lastly, the love life has died and then is still living. I haven't really lost feelings for the guy on my track team but it has definitely toned down. Real feelings don't just go away, right? So that is the part that kind of died, more like went into hibernation. (It will probably wake again when school starts in August) The part that is still living can be found at my church (I keep mentioning church, yet I'm not a very religious person, it just became fun all of a sudden). There's this guy who I'm not really interested in but I'm getting the sense he's a bit interested in me. He's a year older so that's awkward. I'm not the type of person who is fond of age differences. I get the feeling he likes me because well, I don't think he's staring at me for fun. It's weird because the same thing happened with another guy at church who's a year younger than me. Yet the guy who is actually in my grade doesn't seem to be showing any interest in me...for now anyways. What do you think I should do with the guy I'm not really interested in?

Today was a good day *Ice Cube's voice*

Today was a good day. (I'm currently listening to the song Today was a Good Day by Ice Cube.) Although I participated in more free babysitting from 9:00am-3:30pm, it seemed like time well spent, maybe karma will be in my favor for a change. I later ate some pizza and decided to walk it off with my friend at a local park. We caught up with each other and walked for two miles. I'm starting to fear I have a very mild eating disorder. I tend to try and eat healthy quite often and I just thought: Maybe I try to eat healthy too much...I can still eat a lot and enjoy junk food but I actually felt the need to walk off the fat from the pizza I had earlier. Is that weird? I will keep a close eye on this. Also, lately I've been noticing attractive guys, they just stand out to me. Blame it on the hormones. Although, I kind of like noticing them, who doesn't like some eye candy? "Plus nobody I know got killed in South Central L.A., Today was a good day."-Ice Cube

I am in serious need of a job

I was just informed that Publix does not have any positions available at their store...seriously? The one place in my area that hires fourteen year-olds is not hiring? How am I supposed to get $2,000.00, babysitting? No, just no. Well, my dreams of a new wardrobe seem more and more out of reach everyday. My last hope...winning the HGTV Smart Home 2013 [which comes with $100,000.00 from Quicken Loans].  That way, I can get the clothing I want without even having to work. Oh no, I sound like the rich kids that go to private school from my church. The odds are not in my favor, I had a better chance of just getting a job. Because I did not get this job, my mother feels I can help out with a summer camp at the preschool she works at, offering $10.00 per day. Oh wow, $10.00 for 6hrs+ of dealing with multiple one year-olds and two year-olds? What a great deal! That's basically volunteering. Hello sophomore year, meet my clothes from 8th grade. *I understand I sound like a really materialistic person*

I just found this funny.

This shall be my new motto.

Having Fun Again

Yesterday, for the first time, I hung out with some friends from church. Usually, I don't really hang out with them because they are so cliquey and all go to private school but yesterday I actually had fun. We went to this facility where you jump on trampolines and then all the girls went and had a sleepover. The sleepover was great we played charades, attempted to make a music video, and ate Chinese takeout. I really got to know them better and I'm very happy I went. Today, I am going to meet my friend at a local park to go walking. I really should be going running but walking is beneficial as well. The summer work I have for the next school year is really looming over my head, I HATE this feeling. I should be like Nike and just do it.

What the future holds? I'll just have to find out.

So far I haven't really put my summer to good use. I went to the movies, hung out with some friends, gotten back into reading, but nothing actually productive. I should probably begin the summer work I have but I'll procrastinate for one more day. It's times like these where I just try to find something to look forward to. For example, the upcoming mission trip to Canada with my youth group from church is exciting, or getting my permit in July, or even better, the Fourth of July. It's my absolute favorite holiday. I'm not exactly a very patriotic person, I just like the activities like barbeques and fireworks. I suppose I'm looking forward to it even more because of what I plan to do. I plan on getting a bunch of my friends together and having a potluck at this local area that does fireworks every year. I guess the main thing I'm looking forward to is seeing one particular person that may be there, David. What would happen between us? Probably nothing but you never know. There's no guarantee he'll be there anyways but it is likely. I just need to make sure I don't get my hopes up, although I think it is too late for that.