Making peace with Reality

While I was on the mission trip to Canada we had devotional times where we would worship through song and just talk about cool things from our day. During devotionals every night our group leader would give us quiet time just to think. One of the topics I was focusing on during this quiet time was my self-esteem. My self-esteem in terms of looks has always been like a roller coaster in how it can be high or low. It was sky-high when I was with David or Alex, but it was low when I looked in the mirror and saw all my imperfections. One thing I realized is that when you look at your own flaws, they are obvious while a lot of the time, others do not even notice them. I wish I had enough wisdom to understand the saying: "Our imperfections make us beautiful". I'm starting to understand but not quite. It still seems to me like the less imperfections you have the more beautiful you are. During the times where I am so focused on my imperfections I would create elaborate fantasies in my mind. I would create a picture of my myself in my mind and fix everything I didn't like from head to toe. I did things like lengthen my hair and change its texture or clear up my skin or makes my lips more pink. By the time I had changed everything I didn't even look like myself anymore.

A couple of days ago my mother was listening Andrew Womack (a preacher) in the car. He was talking about how if you want something, you cannot just want it, you have to believe it and see yourself in that respect. That is exactly what I would do. Before I would go to bed, I would pray to God and bring that modified version of myself in my mind. I pictured myself waking up and looking like that. It got to a point where I believed it so much I imagined my new life. For example, how the doctors would be amazed and how I might end up as a story on CNN. These detailed fantasies became the only thing I looked forward to. Then I came to the reality that I wasn't going to change. I heard of the saying : "The way you are now is exactly how God wanted it to be" (or something like that) but I didn't really understand. I began to wonder: Why would God give us imperfections if he knew they would cause so much pain? Either I answered this question or God did (I think God) but he said: They aren't imperfections. I was in bed, late at night, when I received that and I was immediately brought to tears. On the mission trip I also realized why God wouldn't change me. If he created us exactly how he wanted us to be, why would there need to be a change? To him, I am just the way he wanted me to be. Changing me would go against what he taught us, like he'd made a mistake. If I were to say that I do not imagine being that version of myself in my mind every once in awhile, I would be lying. One thing I do know is that no matter what kind of feedback I get from my peers or the media, someone thinks I am fine just the way I am.

The trip to Canada in detail and summary

Before I get into the pain in the butt summer work waiting for me in my room, I decided to write this post, while everything is still fresh in my mind. I returned last night from the Detroit airport. The purpose of the mission trip to Canada was to help people build relationships as well as building our own relationships. In my opinion, my mission team did fulfill that purpose. Quick background on the place I was working in: We worked mainly on one street and performed good deeds for the people living on the street like cleaning their houses, gardening, and holding a camp for the kids living on the street. The children were really craving love and attention and I'm very glad I could help bring them some of that while I was there. As for the difference between Canada and America. Well, it was quite evident when we crossed the bridge that we were not in the states anymore. There was French beside almost everything that was English. There were Canadian flags everywhere. While, most of the brands of food were in fact the same, they didn't exactly taste the same...I found that odd.

 Not only did I form relationships with the people on the street, I strengthened and formed relationships with my fellow peers in my youth group. I got closer with the girls and most of the guys. We got one of the guys to think it was Christmas in Canada! It all started with one person's idea and then we got everyone participating in the weeks activities to go along with it.

There were three guys (including the one I think is attractive and wanted to become friends with) I couldn't get close with, probably for the reason that they aren't very easy to talk to. The one I am slightly attracted to (I'll call him Alex) was being quite irritating...in such a subliminal way that he probably didn't expect me to notice. There's this other girl, (I'll call her Madison) on every mission trip, she and Alex have this thing. It happened last summer but she didn't have a boyfriend then, now she does. Something that also happens every trip is this big conflict/drama between them "popular girls" and the "popular boys" of which both Alex and Madison are a part of. It always shakes up the trip. This time, the beginning of the trip he was showing interest in me (which I find VERY surprising). I knew because I heard him and his buddy talking. Example of conversation: Alex: She's not into me. Buddy: Yes, she is, stare [at her]. So he did look but I didn't look back, I wasn't trying to be a dead giveaway. Later that day, I stared at him for awhile when he wasn't looking. I can't believe I forgot what guys do. In order to find out if you're looking at them,they have their friend, look at you to see if you're looking at that person. He really caught me. I was staring at him for about 10 seconds then I looked around and his buddy was obviously taking note of this. Then later in the week he got close to Madison again, and nothing ever escalated. Then the fight occurred and he was paying more attention to me again. Then they all forgave each other and he went back to her. So basically, I got played...hard. Overall, I learned something from both the mission trip and Alex, I guess that's all that is truly important.

                                                                 Water/sports day

 

"Christmas" in Canada

Having fun dancing

In Canada right now.

I cannot guarantee this will be a quality blog post considering that I have about ten minutes before someone notices what I am doing. I would rather keep this blog a secret from them. It's like an electronic diary. If someone I know found this blog this it would be equal to someone knowing all my passwords to all my accounts or all the bad things I've done. *shudders* I can't even imagine that...it's too scary. Anyways, my youth group has just come back from the neighborhood we are working in this week. The kids are so cooperative and enthusiastic about learning about God. One of my favorite things about this trip is listening to what people in Canada think of people in America. I can't wait to tell you all what they said...especially my readers from Canada. They are so full of energy and ask so much from me that I can't do anything but go with the flow. Soon, we will be heading to the grocery store to buy mostly junk food to eat in our hotel rooms. Lastly, before I leave, the guy I'm trying to be friends with is being so difficult right now. There's not enough time to explain why right now but I will explain...later.

It's beggining.

Finally, one of the busiest weeks of my summer has begun. Yesterday, I met up with a few girls from my youth group so we could brainstorm about the mission trip. We also bought some craft items to use with the children we will be working with. Our group leader is more on the wealthy side so it was fun driving around in one of those shiny, new Mercedes SUV's. Today, I got my braces tightened which isn't really something that people think is fun but this time I do. If I had to rate the pain from 1-10 (1 being no pain, 10 being the worst), I would rate it a 6.5 with pain relievers...8 without pain relievers. Oh well, no pain, no game. At least my gap should be gone by the time I go back to school. Also today, my Aunt, Uncle, and cousins are coming over for the first time. They will be here for my birthday as well! Speaking of my birthday, on the way home from the orthodontist, my Dad asked me what perfume I wanted (Selena Gomez), I'm sensing a possible gift...Tomorrow, of course is my birthday, enough said there. Friday, I will take the test to get my permit. According to my friends, I should be prepared. I even typed up notes to study. I just don't want to fail, or else my brother will make fun of me. Finally, the second most exciting day of the week, SATURDAY. We are supposed to meet at the church by 11:00 am but I will probably arrive at 10:15-30 am. Never thought I would say this but I cannot wait to see how I am going to serve God.

The Good and the Bad

I'm currently in this mood that I can't seem to describe, most likely for the reason that I am not familiar with it...maybe it's loneliness?  I just feel a bit off. Most of my friends are out of town for vacation, I guess they're too busy to respond to text messages. It's times like these where I try to evaluate what has happened to me recently and look forward to something. For convenience I'll just list what things that have occurred or will occur and put them in the category 'Good' or 'Bad'. I wish I was a more upbeat and optimistic person but I like to get the 'Bad' category over with...like ripping off a band aid. Hmm. I've changed my mind. Truthfully, the things I will list in the 'Bad' category, aren't really that bad compared to what others have gone through. Let's call it the 'Not so good' category.

The Bad The not so good
- The fourth of July did not go as planned. Where I live, it was raining most of the time. Because of the rainy weather, my father assumed I didn't matter when we left my Grandmother's house (which is located in the neighboring state of my home state) to go home, either way there wouldn't be any fireworks due to the rainy weather. Wrong. The rain stopped and the fireworks went as planned...and I was in the car on a four hour drive.  Let's not forget this is my favorite holiday.

- My friends are gone. Like I said, most of them are on vacation, having a great time. I should really consider making more friends so I don't feel lonely when a few are gone. What bothers me is the fact I don't really have anyone to talk to besides my family. Is this a sign? Should I talk to my family? Nah.

- My birthday is next week. Actually, this is a good thing, but there are some not so good things about my upcoming birthday. For example, I don't think it will be very exciting. I remember last year was pretty lack luster and I just took it in stride and hoped next year would be better but I have this feeling it will be the same, if not worse. My parents are always complaining about the small amount of money in their accounts so I don't really expect gifts. All I really expect is for my family to be extra nice and loving. When you think about it, that's all that really matters.

The Good
- Next week I go to Canada! I am so excited to go on a mission trip to Canada with my youth group. I remember last year's trip to Arizona was great. The plane ride and even the four-hour car ride was fun. I also hope to get closer with the people in my grade, specifically the guy I kind of like. Not to try and pursue him but just to become friends, we don't really talk right now...I don't know why.

- My birthday is next week! I finally turn fifteen. (I'm one of the younger ones in my grade.) Turning fifteen means I get to test to get my permit! I plan on taking the test the day of my birthday, I don't want to delay because I'm already behind. Also, birthdays in general are just fun, no matter how many gifts I get...if any.

- I got to see my new nephew when I visited my grandmother. He is five months as of July 11th. He is very active and happy. I just hope my sister, of whom is twenty-three, will take care of him. She doesn't even put baby lotion on him because he has eczema in some areas! What is the logic in that?! Plus, he's not on a schedule, so he goes to bed whenever. It worries me sometimes, but then I remind myself that God is watching her.

Darkness to Light

There was once a time period where I was at an all-time low, in terms of self-esteem and my outlook on life. I think it took place from around August 2012- early January 2013. It all began with one trigger among other factors. In August, I was just sitting at home on Facebook (Facebook was actually still popular then) and I got a message from a guy (not the same race as myself) I hadn't talked to in quite awhile. Therefore, I was very careful with what I said by just keeping things casual. Then we exchanged numbers...I really should have just left it at a conversation over Facebook but I hadn't had much experience with guys before so I was willing to see what would happen. We texted and I don't remember how we got to this topic but we started talking about sending pictures, otherwise known as sexting. Again, being that I had basically no experience at all with guys, I thought this was a form of flirting. I don't know what exactly went through my head or what caused me to do so (probably him persuading me) but I did it. Which is odd because back then, I seriously had the body of an 8-year old boy...I kind of still do now. I remember not feeling much guilt afterwards considering he sent me one too. Then, as I went to bed that night I had trouble falling asleep. It had finally hit me what I had done. I'm supposed to be a Christian, I remember thinking I would NEVER do something like that. I remember my mom reminding me "my body is my temple, so treat it with respect." Later the next day, I went online to see what guys TRULY thought of girls who send them pictures and what almost every single person said is that they don't have respect for them and did it just to get "off". It made sense, right after he sent his, he texted me saying thanks and said he had to go...and we never spoke again. I realized I had been used. I let my curiosity get the best of me and lost respect for myself. To be honest, by that point, I felt like s***.

About one month later, I became engrossed in my thoughts. As Lana Del Rey said, "I got a war in my mind.", and I did too. I was noticing that guys had never really cared about me. I tried to find reasons why in my appearance. I thought: Since it don't have b***s they won't like me. My face isn't perfectly clear so I'm probably ugly to them. I can't afford braces so that's not good either. I envied the girls who got all the attention and wondered why God left girls like me alone. I didn't know he could be saving us for something better. During those months my entire music preferences changed. I went from loving mainstream pop to listening to sad songs by artists like Sia, some Lana Del Rey, etc. I kept bringing myself down by feeling sorry for myself. I would cry before going to sleep, in the shower, not over that mistake but just my own feeling of not being valuable. I almost resorted to cutting. I vividly remember holding the razor on the top of my forearm...wanting to feel pain because I thought I deserved it. Then I thought: I'm smarter than this, what would cutting change? Then things began to turn around.

Even before track began in mid January, I had a crush on David. It was one of those crushes that you wouldn't act on for some reason, mine being that I was pretty sure he was way out of my league. When I saw that a guy like him could like a girl like me. Well, I started to look at myself with a lot more self-worth. After all, my skin had cleared up and I got braces, although I'm still on the smaller side when it comes to b***s. I didn't care anymore about my size "upstairs" once I learned a guy could like me the way I am. I guess from an older person's point of view, having high self-esteem because of a boy isn't good. He brought out of that hole and now I haven't seen him in awhile and I am still in an overall better mood. I'm so thankful for that.

Waiting for life to notice how well things are going for me currently, just to mess it up again

Sunday at church I was a "social butterfly", if I say so myself. I talked with my friend about her guy problems, met a few different people by gathering up the courage to introduce myself which I am actually kind of proud of, and even became part of those exclusive conversation circles that I always complained about. Turns out, if you can hold a conversation and not just watch and listen, you can be in a conversation circle...lesson learned. That thing with the guy a year older than me has not gone away. He's becoming more and more obvious, bolder and bolder. I am not leading him on! I don't make eye contact or talk to him. The most awkward situation for me when it comes to guys is him liking you and you not liking him back or vice versa. Meanwhile, the other guy, in my grade, doesn't seem to give a crap about me. Of course it could be that we don't talk and that I've only said a few words to him for the past two years but still, anyone could make a small effort, although that's a bit hypocritical since I'm not making an effort. Monday was...let's just say, uneventful. Today, I chilled with my mom got a free sub from subway and free ice cream (although it was meant for the workers at the building we were at). I just received my first book in the mail for summer reading and I don't feel like doing it, yet I don't have an excuse anymore. I haven't been hanging out with any of my friends lately, nor running at the park, I makes my life feel boring again. I cannot let my life get to where it used to be. I'm not saying I have to be doing something at all times, I just need to keep myself busy to avoid falling back into that dark hole during those miserable six months. I haven't really told anyone about that, have I? Anyone interested in finding out?