Stressful. That would describe my first week of school in one word. This year I am taking 2 APs: Biology and World History, and the rest of my classes are honors. I've had 5 quizzes and one test. I am now starting to wonder what I am going to do once the classes really start getting difficult and when track begins. On the bright side, I have reconnected with my friends and I am no longer a freshman...thank god. Sophomore year is definitely more demanding than freshmen year but I am ready to put the work in. I'm really challenging myself and I think the main thing that will get me through this year is my motivation to look back at high school and know that I did my very best, with no regrets when the time comes for applying to colleges. Applying for colleges is about two and a half years away so back to the present. Socially, I think I am where I was last year. I have a large group of friends and I am trying to also meet new people. I noticed that once you have a reliable, main group of friends, it's easy to not make an effort to branch out or invite new people in, I guess we just don't find it comfortable being around people we do not know very well. Academically, well, I haven't gotten many grades back so I can't say much about that.
On the topic of David, we've gotten somewhere but not far, like a foot or two if I were to compare it to an actual distance. It's truly a coincidence that his locker, out of all 2,000 of them, ended up being by mine. I initially thought we weren't going to reconnect/talk until track but now that I see him everyday, I don't know anymore. The first day of school, he asked me a question but it was a question he could've asked ANYBODY else, it wasn't like I was the only one who could give him the answer. I just thought that was odd. Later in the week I didn't put much of an effort to talk to him, I truly did not know what to say and I was more nervous than I have EVER been around him. I didn't want him to think I wasn't interested either. Thursday, while I was at my locker, he asked my guy friend whose locker is beside mine about a new rule at school. (Again, a question he could've asked anyone) Usually when someone is talking, you look at them, but I didn't. I was literally staring at David. We made eye contact which I thought was so cool until I realized it was probably because I was staring at him instead of the person who was talking. Looking back, I am mortified but I'm glad I did what I did so he could be reminded I'm still into him. Yesterday, I asked him if there was a football game tomorrow and whether or not he was playing in it. He said yes but he was a bit dismissive, like how he was when I first began talking to him, I doubt he's nervous although it's possible. If there was a stage we are in, I would say it's the stage where you just give tiny hints that you're into that person, nothing huge, but enough to get me extremely nervous. I wonder if he gets nervous too...ugh boys, so confusing.
Saturday, August 17, 2013
Monday, August 5, 2013
Summer is Coming to a Close
I am in student council at my school and the sophomores host a camp for the incoming freshman every year before school begins. We give them a tour of the school, they can ask questions, and they get a T-shirt out of it as well. Today we ran-through how everything is going to work. Before the students break up into groups a few students, including myself, will talk aout their favorite memory from freshman year. I had trouble finding something positive to say about one of the most unpleasant years of high school but I eventually found something. Now, I am beginning to get nervous about talking in front of them, 150 of them to be exact. I just want it to seem like I am confident and that I know what I'm doing...that shouldn't be too difficult. What I look forward to the most is the fact that most of them will kind of look up to me. Because I already went through one year of high school, it will seem like I know so much. At least, that's what I thought of the sophomores when I went to this camp.
Speaking of school, I am almost done with summer work. I am about halfway through with my last book in addition to a written assignment. I will admit, I am a tad bit last minute considering I go back to school in one week but I will finish. Orientation for this next school year is in three days, and I am getting really nervous. Sophomore year is not going to be easy with the schedule I gave myself, plus I will be participating in track come second semester. It will be a handful but I'm so thankful to have gotten advice from a fellow blogger about how to manage my time. Riley, I will be using your strategies and tips!
I'm also nervous about orientation because of who I might see...David. I am ashamed to say that not once, during the summer, did I forget about David. He may have gone to the back of my head but never just gone. I really don't like the fact that I let myself get attached when there wasn't...well, shouldn't have been anything to attach to. My head is filled with questions like: Will he notice my teeth got straighter? Did he totally move on? Is he going to notice my new acne scars on my forehead? Will things just pick up where they left off? To answer that last question, I hope not. This is going to sound stupid but I'd rather wait until I get my braces off so I won't have anything holding me back. I should get them off in January so it's not that long away. I guess I want to feel like a full-package...or almost a full package before getting any further with him. I still believe he is way out of my league so not having braces may help to at least get me into the ball park. I will absolutely die if he ends up in one of my classes. I would always be distracted! I will probably be off in la la land daydreaming even if he isn't in any of my classes. It's unlikely that he will be because he doesn't take that many honors classes but it's still possible. I remember having to take a test in the same class as him a couple times and I could barely focus. Nevertheless, I will truly enjoy these last several days of freedom. It won't be long until I'm in jail again.
Speaking of school, I am almost done with summer work. I am about halfway through with my last book in addition to a written assignment. I will admit, I am a tad bit last minute considering I go back to school in one week but I will finish. Orientation for this next school year is in three days, and I am getting really nervous. Sophomore year is not going to be easy with the schedule I gave myself, plus I will be participating in track come second semester. It will be a handful but I'm so thankful to have gotten advice from a fellow blogger about how to manage my time. Riley, I will be using your strategies and tips!
I'm also nervous about orientation because of who I might see...David. I am ashamed to say that not once, during the summer, did I forget about David. He may have gone to the back of my head but never just gone. I really don't like the fact that I let myself get attached when there wasn't...well, shouldn't have been anything to attach to. My head is filled with questions like: Will he notice my teeth got straighter? Did he totally move on? Is he going to notice my new acne scars on my forehead? Will things just pick up where they left off? To answer that last question, I hope not. This is going to sound stupid but I'd rather wait until I get my braces off so I won't have anything holding me back. I should get them off in January so it's not that long away. I guess I want to feel like a full-package...or almost a full package before getting any further with him. I still believe he is way out of my league so not having braces may help to at least get me into the ball park. I will absolutely die if he ends up in one of my classes. I would always be distracted! I will probably be off in la la land daydreaming even if he isn't in any of my classes. It's unlikely that he will be because he doesn't take that many honors classes but it's still possible. I remember having to take a test in the same class as him a couple times and I could barely focus. Nevertheless, I will truly enjoy these last several days of freedom. It won't be long until I'm in jail again.
Friday, July 26, 2013
Making peace with Reality
While I was on the mission trip to Canada we had devotional times where we would worship through song and just talk about cool things from our day. During devotionals every night our group leader would give us quiet time just to think. One of the topics I was focusing on during this quiet time was my self-esteem. My self-esteem in terms of looks has always been like a roller coaster in how it can be high or low. It was sky-high when I was with David or Alex, but it was low when I looked in the mirror and saw all my imperfections. One thing I realized is that when you look at your own flaws, they are obvious while a lot of the time, others do not even notice them. I wish I had enough wisdom to understand the saying: "Our imperfections make us beautiful". I'm starting to understand but not quite. It still seems to me like the less imperfections you have the more beautiful you are. During the times where I am so focused on my imperfections I would create elaborate fantasies in my mind. I would create a picture of my myself in my mind and fix everything I didn't like from head to toe. I did things like lengthen my hair and change its texture or clear up my skin or makes my lips more pink. By the time I had changed everything I didn't even look like myself anymore.
A couple of days ago my mother was listening Andrew Womack (a preacher) in the car. He was talking about how if you want something, you cannot just want it, you have to believe it and see yourself in that respect. That is exactly what I would do. Before I would go to bed, I would pray to God and bring that modified version of myself in my mind. I pictured myself waking up and looking like that. It got to a point where I believed it so much I imagined my new life. For example, how the doctors would be amazed and how I might end up as a story on CNN. These detailed fantasies became the only thing I looked forward to. Then I came to the reality that I wasn't going to change. I heard of the saying : "The way you are now is exactly how God wanted it to be" (or something like that) but I didn't really understand. I began to wonder: Why would God give us imperfections if he knew they would cause so much pain? Either I answered this question or God did (I think God) but he said: They aren't imperfections. I was in bed, late at night, when I received that and I was immediately brought to tears. On the mission trip I also realized why God wouldn't change me. If he created us exactly how he wanted us to be, why would there need to be a change? To him, I am just the way he wanted me to be. Changing me would go against what he taught us, like he'd made a mistake. If I were to say that I do not imagine being that version of myself in my mind every once in awhile, I would be lying. One thing I do know is that no matter what kind of feedback I get from my peers or the media, someone thinks I am fine just the way I am.
A couple of days ago my mother was listening Andrew Womack (a preacher) in the car. He was talking about how if you want something, you cannot just want it, you have to believe it and see yourself in that respect. That is exactly what I would do. Before I would go to bed, I would pray to God and bring that modified version of myself in my mind. I pictured myself waking up and looking like that. It got to a point where I believed it so much I imagined my new life. For example, how the doctors would be amazed and how I might end up as a story on CNN. These detailed fantasies became the only thing I looked forward to. Then I came to the reality that I wasn't going to change. I heard of the saying : "The way you are now is exactly how God wanted it to be" (or something like that) but I didn't really understand. I began to wonder: Why would God give us imperfections if he knew they would cause so much pain? Either I answered this question or God did (I think God) but he said: They aren't imperfections. I was in bed, late at night, when I received that and I was immediately brought to tears. On the mission trip I also realized why God wouldn't change me. If he created us exactly how he wanted us to be, why would there need to be a change? To him, I am just the way he wanted me to be. Changing me would go against what he taught us, like he'd made a mistake. If I were to say that I do not imagine being that version of myself in my mind every once in awhile, I would be lying. One thing I do know is that no matter what kind of feedback I get from my peers or the media, someone thinks I am fine just the way I am.
Monday, July 22, 2013
The trip to Canada in detail and summary
Before I get into the pain in the butt summer work waiting for me in my room, I decided to write this post, while everything is still fresh in my mind. I returned last night from the Detroit airport. The purpose of the mission trip to Canada was to help people build relationships as well as building our own relationships. In my opinion, my mission team did fulfill that purpose. Quick background on the place I was working in: We worked mainly on one street and performed good deeds for the people living on the street like cleaning their houses, gardening, and holding a camp for the kids living on the street. The children were really craving love and attention and I'm very glad I could help bring them some of that while I was there. As for the difference between Canada and America. Well, it was quite evident when we crossed the bridge that we were not in the states anymore. There was French beside almost everything that was English. There were Canadian flags everywhere. While, most of the brands of food were in fact the same, they didn't exactly taste the same...I found that odd.
Not only did I form relationships with the people on the street, I strengthened and formed relationships with my fellow peers in my youth group. I got closer with the girls and most of the guys. We got one of the guys to think it was Christmas in Canada! It all started with one person's idea and then we got everyone participating in the weeks activities to go along with it.
There were three guys (including the one I think is attractive and wanted to become friends with) I couldn't get close with, probably for the reason that they aren't very easy to talk to. The one I am slightly attracted to (I'll call him Alex) was being quite irritating...in such a subliminal way that he probably didn't expect me to notice. There's this other girl, (I'll call her Madison) on every mission trip, she and Alex have this thing. It happened last summer but she didn't have a boyfriend then, now she does. Something that also happens every trip is this big conflict/drama between them "popular girls" and the "popular boys" of which both Alex and Madison are a part of. It always shakes up the trip. This time, the beginning of the trip he was showing interest in me (which I find VERY surprising). I knew because I heard him and his buddy talking. Example of conversation: Alex: She's not into me. Buddy: Yes, she is, stare [at her]. So he did look but I didn't look back, I wasn't trying to be a dead giveaway. Later that day, I stared at him for awhile when he wasn't looking. I can't believe I forgot what guys do. In order to find out if you're looking at them,they have their friend, look at you to see if you're looking at that person. He really caught me. I was staring at him for about 10 seconds then I looked around and his buddy was obviously taking note of this. Then later in the week he got close to Madison again, and nothing ever escalated. Then the fight occurred and he was paying more attention to me again. Then they all forgave each other and he went back to her. So basically, I got played...hard. Overall, I learned something from both the mission trip and Alex, I guess that's all that is truly important.
Water/sports day
Not only did I form relationships with the people on the street, I strengthened and formed relationships with my fellow peers in my youth group. I got closer with the girls and most of the guys. We got one of the guys to think it was Christmas in Canada! It all started with one person's idea and then we got everyone participating in the weeks activities to go along with it.
There were three guys (including the one I think is attractive and wanted to become friends with) I couldn't get close with, probably for the reason that they aren't very easy to talk to. The one I am slightly attracted to (I'll call him Alex) was being quite irritating...in such a subliminal way that he probably didn't expect me to notice. There's this other girl, (I'll call her Madison) on every mission trip, she and Alex have this thing. It happened last summer but she didn't have a boyfriend then, now she does. Something that also happens every trip is this big conflict/drama between them "popular girls" and the "popular boys" of which both Alex and Madison are a part of. It always shakes up the trip. This time, the beginning of the trip he was showing interest in me (which I find VERY surprising). I knew because I heard him and his buddy talking. Example of conversation: Alex: She's not into me. Buddy: Yes, she is, stare [at her]. So he did look but I didn't look back, I wasn't trying to be a dead giveaway. Later that day, I stared at him for awhile when he wasn't looking. I can't believe I forgot what guys do. In order to find out if you're looking at them,they have their friend, look at you to see if you're looking at that person. He really caught me. I was staring at him for about 10 seconds then I looked around and his buddy was obviously taking note of this. Then later in the week he got close to Madison again, and nothing ever escalated. Then the fight occurred and he was paying more attention to me again. Then they all forgave each other and he went back to her. So basically, I got played...hard. Overall, I learned something from both the mission trip and Alex, I guess that's all that is truly important.
Water/sports day
"Christmas" in Canada
Having fun dancing
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
In Canada right now.
I cannot guarantee this will be a quality blog post considering that I have about ten minutes before someone notices what I am doing. I would rather keep this blog a secret from them. It's like an electronic diary. If someone I know found this blog this it would be equal to someone knowing all my passwords to all my accounts or all the bad things I've done. *shudders* I can't even imagine that...it's too scary. Anyways, my youth group has just come back from the neighborhood we are working in this week. The kids are so cooperative and enthusiastic about learning about God. One of my favorite things about this trip is listening to what people in Canada think of people in America. I can't wait to tell you all what they said...especially my readers from Canada. They are so full of energy and ask so much from me that I can't do anything but go with the flow. Soon, we will be heading to the grocery store to buy mostly junk food to eat in our hotel rooms. Lastly, before I leave, the guy I'm trying to be friends with is being so difficult right now. There's not enough time to explain why right now but I will explain...later.
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
It's beggining.
Finally, one of the busiest weeks of my summer has begun. Yesterday, I met up with a few girls from my youth group so we could brainstorm about the mission trip. We also bought some craft items to use with the children we will be working with. Our group leader is more on the wealthy side so it was fun driving around in one of those shiny, new Mercedes SUV's. Today, I got my braces tightened which isn't really something that people think is fun but this time I do. If I had to rate the pain from 1-10 (1 being no pain, 10 being the worst), I would rate it a 6.5 with pain relievers...8 without pain relievers. Oh well, no pain, no game. At least my gap should be gone by the time I go back to school. Also today, my Aunt, Uncle, and cousins are coming over for the first time. They will be here for my birthday as well! Speaking of my birthday, on the way home from the orthodontist, my Dad asked me what perfume I wanted (Selena Gomez), I'm sensing a possible gift...Tomorrow, of course is my birthday, enough said there. Friday, I will take the test to get my permit. According to my friends, I should be prepared. I even typed up notes to study. I just don't want to fail, or else my brother will make fun of me. Finally, the second most exciting day of the week, SATURDAY. We are supposed to meet at the church by 11:00 am but I will probably arrive at 10:15-30 am. Never thought I would say this but I cannot wait to see how I am going to serve God.
Friday, July 5, 2013
The Good and the Bad
I'm currently in this mood that I can't seem to describe, most likely for the reason that I am not familiar with it...maybe it's loneliness? I just feel a bit off. Most of my friends are out of town for vacation, I guess they're too busy to respond to text messages. It's times like these where I try to evaluate what has happened to me recently and look forward to something. For convenience I'll just list what things that have occurred or will occur and put them in the category 'Good' or 'Bad'. I wish I was a more upbeat and optimistic person but I like to get the 'Bad' category over with...like ripping off a band aid. Hmm. I've changed my mind. Truthfully, the things I will list in the 'Bad' category, aren't really that bad compared to what others have gone through. Let's call it the 'Not so good' category.
The Bad The not so good
- The fourth of July did not go as planned. Where I live, it was raining most of the time. Because of the rainy weather, my father assumed I didn't matter when we left my Grandmother's house (which is located in the neighboring state of my home state) to go home, either way there wouldn't be any fireworks due to the rainy weather. Wrong. The rain stopped and the fireworks went as planned...and I was in the car on a four hour drive. Let's not forget this is my favorite holiday.
- My friends are gone. Like I said, most of them are on vacation, having a great time. I should really consider making more friends so I don't feel lonely when a few are gone. What bothers me is the fact I don't really have anyone to talk to besides my family. Is this a sign? Should I talk to my family? Nah.
- My birthday is next week. Actually, this is a good thing, but there are some not so good things about my upcoming birthday. For example, I don't think it will be very exciting. I remember last year was pretty lack luster and I just took it in stride and hoped next year would be better but I have this feeling it will be the same, if not worse. My parents are always complaining about the small amount of money in their accounts so I don't really expect gifts. All I really expect is for my family to be extra nice and loving. When you think about it, that's all that really matters.
The Good
- Next week I go to Canada! I am so excited to go on a mission trip to Canada with my youth group. I remember last year's trip to Arizona was great. The plane ride and even the four-hour car ride was fun. I also hope to get closer with the people in my grade, specifically the guy I kind of like. Not to try and pursue him but just to become friends, we don't really talk right now...I don't know why.
- My birthday is next week! I finally turn fifteen. (I'm one of the younger ones in my grade.) Turning fifteen means I get to test to get my permit! I plan on taking the test the day of my birthday, I don't want to delay because I'm already behind. Also, birthdays in general are just fun, no matter how many gifts I get...if any.
- I got to see my new nephew when I visited my grandmother. He is five months as of July 11th. He is very active and happy. I just hope my sister, of whom is twenty-three, will take care of him. She doesn't even put baby lotion on him because he has eczema in some areas! What is the logic in that?! Plus, he's not on a schedule, so he goes to bed whenever. It worries me sometimes, but then I remind myself that God is watching her.
- The fourth of July did not go as planned. Where I live, it was raining most of the time. Because of the rainy weather, my father assumed I didn't matter when we left my Grandmother's house (which is located in the neighboring state of my home state) to go home, either way there wouldn't be any fireworks due to the rainy weather. Wrong. The rain stopped and the fireworks went as planned...and I was in the car on a four hour drive. Let's not forget this is my favorite holiday.
- My friends are gone. Like I said, most of them are on vacation, having a great time. I should really consider making more friends so I don't feel lonely when a few are gone. What bothers me is the fact I don't really have anyone to talk to besides my family. Is this a sign? Should I talk to my family? Nah.
- My birthday is next week. Actually, this is a good thing, but there are some not so good things about my upcoming birthday. For example, I don't think it will be very exciting. I remember last year was pretty lack luster and I just took it in stride and hoped next year would be better but I have this feeling it will be the same, if not worse. My parents are always complaining about the small amount of money in their accounts so I don't really expect gifts. All I really expect is for my family to be extra nice and loving. When you think about it, that's all that really matters.
The Good
- Next week I go to Canada! I am so excited to go on a mission trip to Canada with my youth group. I remember last year's trip to Arizona was great. The plane ride and even the four-hour car ride was fun. I also hope to get closer with the people in my grade, specifically the guy I kind of like. Not to try and pursue him but just to become friends, we don't really talk right now...I don't know why.
- My birthday is next week! I finally turn fifteen. (I'm one of the younger ones in my grade.) Turning fifteen means I get to test to get my permit! I plan on taking the test the day of my birthday, I don't want to delay because I'm already behind. Also, birthdays in general are just fun, no matter how many gifts I get...if any.
- I got to see my new nephew when I visited my grandmother. He is five months as of July 11th. He is very active and happy. I just hope my sister, of whom is twenty-three, will take care of him. She doesn't even put baby lotion on him because he has eczema in some areas! What is the logic in that?! Plus, he's not on a schedule, so he goes to bed whenever. It worries me sometimes, but then I remind myself that God is watching her.
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